Especially when there was never technically a relationship. Even if there was, I tend to be of the mindset that it isn't actually all that difficult to ignore emails, voice mails, and text messages. I am not saying this is the most mature way to do it, but it has proven to be pretty effective for me in the past. Which brings me to the southern "gentleman" of late...You may remember him as Prince In-Case-I-Ever-Have-Amnesia-My-Last-Name-is-Tattooed-on-my-Stomach-which-is-oh-so-Charming, aka Sleazy Dwarf (See Hi Ho, Hi Ho).
I thought he would take the hint when I stopped returning his text messages due to the fact that they made me feel like I was talking to a sleazy lounge singer with a sneer on his face and gray chest hair popping out of his dangerously unbuttoned shirt: "Hey, gorgeous..." The messages appeared to be picking up where a previous conversation had left off...only we had never really had that previous conversation. Imagine my surprise when, after a week of ignored text messages, I checked my voice mail at 2:00 in the afternoon and heard the sound of what I vaguely remembered as his voice. Remember, it was 7:30 in the morning, before coffee, when we met. "Hey there...was just calling to tell you how gorgeous you are and I hope you are having a good day. I'm headed to work myself and you will probably be heading home to watch a movie, eat some popcorn, and snuggle up on the couch in a blanket. Sounds fun, hope you have a good time. Call me..."
While I usually save chat abbreviations for conversations with teenagers and complete idiots, I believe this occasion calls for a WTF?! My first thought was, is this guy serious? Is this a sick fantasy of his? What makes him think I am going home to watch a movie? And then it all became clear. He had the wrong number. He thought he was texting and calling someone else he had met and perhaps exchanged some form of communication regarding this other person's need to be called nothing but "gorgeous," her penchant for leaving work at 2:00 in the afternoon, curling up under blankets when it is 85 degrees outside, and her love of popcorn. I hate popcorn. Unless it is covered in sugar, which turns it into kettle and not pop corn. But how would he know any of this given we spoke for about 30 seconds at a coffee shop 2 weeks ago? I digress. I didn't want to embarass him by calling back and telling him that he made this mistake, so I hit 7 to delete and went on about my work.
Ok, I lied. I hit 9 to save. It was funny and I might need a good laugh in the near future.
But I did ignore the voicemail, as well as the subsequent text messages that followed...and then all was quiet on the Verizon frontier. I didn't hear anything for several days. I had just started to feel bad, thinking, maybe this all could have been eliminated if I had done the mature thing and texted him right away to say "not interested in your completely narcissistic business cards and choice of career." Just as I had come to terms with the fact that I will most definitely do the responsible and honest thing next time, ding! Text message: 11:00 on Thursday night. You guessed it, "Hey gorgeous, what's up?" Now, I had just committed to doing the responsible thing, so clearly I had to let him know he had the wrong person. And also awkwardly explain why I was only responding to every 17th message of his.
Me: Hey there! Sorry have been MIA. I knew it was going to be brutal work-wise. I feel like I should be up front, although maybe unnecessary given we haven't reeeeally met. :) I'm not really in to casually dating right now. It was great meeting u and u seem like super nice guy, esp for 730 am! Hope u understand!
Subtext: Hey, I guess you are forcing me to explain why I have been ignoring you. Remember I blew you off at first by saying I was just really busy at work right now? Well, I meant it, dummy. So now I need to really hammer this one in. Not. Interested. But I am going to tell you you seem nice to soften the blow and try to ensure you don't start angrily stalking my coffee shop. I had a bad experience in that department recently and want to take precautions. (See Rose Garden)
Prince Sleazy: Haha, that's cool CinderelLA. Crazy busy too. Been working and getting ready to fly to the Caribbean with some friends. Taking a private jet to a private island. Should be fun. but ummm..wish we could hang out. Suite yourself. :) I look like a scrub at 7 am. Haha. Your totally missing out.
Prince Sleazy: :) Seriously.
Me: Seriously? So you used my first name which shows me that you did know it was me and are officially just a freak. A private island? Private jet? You mean some producer you've worked with in the past took pity on you and hired you to be errand boy on his next pleasure trip? Well, good for you! Get a dictionary to read on the plane. You can't spell.
Just kidding. What I actually said: Wow - have a great time - and take care!
Subtext: Not impressed. Now leave me alone.
Prince Sleazy: Haha u think I'm lying. U too. Silly rabbit.
Me: Not at all. Hollywood and all that is just not my scene... And trix are for kids.
Subtext: I do think you're lying. My douche bag radar starting going off the second you handed me your business card. Silly rabbit? Who's the child now, a-hole?
Prince Sleazy: More like Malibu. Later.
Me: Ciao - nice meeting you again.
Subtext: Still not impressed. And you told me you live in Venice, not Malibu, so don't think I have mistaken you for someone who owns a house on the hill where Jennifer Aniston and Pamela Anderson live.
So it looks like I have learned yet another lesson. I guess NBC wasn't kidding when they started that "The More You Know" campaign. You really do never stop learning, thanks to television, bad dates, and the wonders of text messaging.
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