A happy ending...

When I originally decided to do this, I told myself I would write once a week. Clearly, a month in, I have already broken my own code. It’s not because I have run out of things to say. Trust me. I’ll be honest: I have been avoiding. And I am a therapist, so I know all about avoiding and how this is a coping technique. It’s right up there with denial. If you avoid something long enough, it has the magical ability to go away. It’s like it doesn’t even exist. Sort of.

So what is it that I am avoiding so surreptitiously? What is it that I want to imagine away? I was recently having dinner with a dear friend who gently (and by gently, I mean she waited until I was half a glass of wine in) informed me that my ex is getting married. Not only is he getting married, but he will be a husband in a mere few weeks. (Truthfully, at the time I heard this, it was a mere few weeks. Since I have been avoiding for a while now, he will be saying “I do” in just 5 days.) I can honestly say that I am not jealous – and that is not coping mechanism #2 talking either. Let me explain; I’ll start at the end.

This one we will call Prince Medication-Makes-Me-Charming.

Like I said, I am in the field of mental health. I am a big proponent of medication to make your cloudy days a little sunnier or the voices in your head a little quieter. And what is the problem if the meds actually make you sweet and lovable and cuddly? Nothing at all, as long as you take them. However, when you decide to stop renewing your subscription to life can be a bowl of cherries magazine and turn into a grumpy, cranky old man whose mood plummets if your girlfriend takes too long in the dressing room, I have a problem with this. And if your reaction to said girlfriend gently pointing this out is to turn on the silent treatment for two days at which point your way of making up is to order me a pizza, I picture the rest of my life looking like a bad Lifetime movie and I immediately start looking for a new apartment for myself and our also not-so-lovable cat. (I tried to give up custody, but like I said, no more meds = no more nice guy.)

Fast forward 3 ½ years later, Prince Medication-Makes-Me-Charming has met a new girl, fallen madly in love, proposed, planned a wedding and a lifetime with her. Fast forward 3 ½ years later and I have successfully gotten out of another unhappy relationship and come to the conclusion that the bite marks my cat leaves on me are a sign of endearment.

I can honestly say that I hope he and the new woman are very happy. Especially because my best friend dubbed the new woman Margaret Cho based on how she looked on his arm at our college reunion a year and a half ago. I don’t remember her looking anything but Asian given I spent this reunion weekend thinking that I could drink as much as I could 10 years ago as a freshman in college, but my best friend’s Asian beer goggles work for me and Margaret Cho it is. I know I am not ready to be a wife, especially the wife of a tax attorney in Bakersfield. (For those who don’t know, Bakersfield is kind of New Jersey meets up with West Virginia in California.) At this moment, I am not ready to weave another person in to my daily routine or my heart. I am certainly not ready to let someone else in and be accountable to them. Maybe you can say that I am back to avoidance…and you might be right. But for now, I wish Prince Medication-Makes-Me-Charming and Margaret Cho a wonderful wedding day and a lifetime of happiness…and prescription medication.